Friday, October 28, 2011

Born To Sleep

I was thinking of cashing in on all this minimalist crap. How to begin
you ask? Well, first you must think outside the box and ask yourself what
else did cavemen do besides walk around barefoot? Answer:  A whole lot.
So, with that information I can write a series of "Born To" books. My first will
be “Born To Sleep.”  Think about it.

Actually, the idea came to me as my four year old pillow top bed started
to cave in the center leaving me with lower back pain in the
morning and aggravating my already bum leg. Since I couldn't (and
still can't) shell out a grand and change for a new bed that is much
firmer, I opted to take the minimal route. I put down my vibram mattress  (A.K.A. a
yoga mat)  and set out for a good nights’ sleep and that bare back

I have to admit the first couple of nights were shaky, but my back and
leg weren't hurting so I stayed with it. Then at work I thought of all
the minimalist hypocrites buying vibrams and complaining about
racing flats having too much heel and so on, as if wearing the silly
toe shoes were going to instantly label them authentic runners. When a newbie
runner asks me about vibrams, I ask them right back if he or she
would sleep without a mattress or pillow because I'm sure there are
tons of people online who would promote the benefit of doing so.  That
pretty much  puts things in perspective and gives them a laugh.

Save money on that chiropractor, forget back surgery and tell your
physical therapist to jump out a window, because you were born to
sleep without a bed, mattress, pillow, blanket…and outside in all variations
of weather. It’s totally natural and don't let anyone tell you

What’s next? Write a book, of course. I'll call it "Born to Sleep" and I can cash in. I'll
give the same line that “Born to Run” uses,  we weren't born with mattresses and comfy
beds and pillows. In fact we are the only primate to actually do this sort of thing. What I
suggest is give up your bed, pillow, blanket and go minimal. You'll love the way the ground feels.

How silly are we listening to those robber barons at department stores and mattress and bedding retail
shops.  What a complete waste of money. Then I'll reference a bunch of people who would agree with
It will make perfect sense. Then I'll transform my yoga mat into a minimalist bed by putting
a vibram tag on it for street cred with the barefoot crowd.

After this occurs, I will make a whole series of “Born To ...” books.  My follow-
up will be called "Born To Bone"  and this will be a book on having sex the
natural way. After I give all the data on how men are meant to spread
their seeds and  how much better it is for Mr. Happy to go raw dog (and
I'm sure there is data on it), imagine how guys will eat this up
and then spit out to data to potential sex partners. Sure, some people
will get hurt or pregnant but this is what we were born to do and isn't
that the most important lesson?

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